Tube Etiquette:10 things I wish I could say to my fellow travellers

The London Underground (the Tube) is 151 years old. It is the third largest metro system in the world and handles about 4 million passenger journeys per day. I am one of those people. I use it every day. And everyday I wish I could say 10 things to other ‘tubers’ (Does that sound a bit wrong?)

  • Please do not wrap yourself around the handle bars. The tube people have put it there for short people like me hold on to, not for you to show off your burlesque skills.
  • Could you move your armpit ever so slightly away from my face?
  • I am sure your book is fascinating, but can I suggest you hold on to the yellow handlebars in order to avoid crashing into me very 2 mins? Yes, the yellow ones, thank you.
  • I worry about your hearing, really I do, because even my ears are hurting from listening to your music. And did you really think listening to that is cool?!
  • I am glad you made it just as the doors were closing but could you maybe not pant in my face, that onion bagel you had this morning is making my eyes water.
  • What an absolutely beautiful bag, I would have admired it a bit more if it wasn’t forcing my ribs apart.
  • Seriously, how long has it been since you washed your hair?! I am only asking becasue half of it is up my nose.
  • When pregnant women put their big bellies next to your face,you ridiculously large muscled man sitting in the priority seat, they aren’t expecting you to kiss their bump.
  • Would you be so kind as to turn your paper slightly more to the right so I too can read what the Duchess did with her hair this weekend? Thanking You.
  • Now this is a tricky concept, but the doors open at every station to allow passengers in and out. Please don’t take it as a challenge to see how much of the open door you can block.